This woman clearly Has her own agenda.
Well, you know--
It doesn't have to do With you personally,
It has to do With her job.
You are her Dream come true, ben.
I hope so.
Someone who thinks that she's Interested in you personally,
When in fact, she's interested In you as a consumer.
You're saying, She's duping me ?
Yeah, i'm saying You're a big dupe.
( Ring )
I'll get it !
No, let me Get that !
Hello !
Oh sure, who should I say is calling ?
Is that For me ?
Yeah, it's cindy From tele-purchase !
Oh, my Main squeeze !
I love it !
Yeah, ben has Told me all about you.
I'm dr. Katz.
I'm ben's father.
Oh, my god, Give me the phone, dad.
Don't embarrass me !
Ben, it's...
I know Who it is !
It's cindy, the one You're telling me--
Well, give me The phone !
Okay, one sec... Yes ! Yes ! Yes !
One second, I'll get him.
Can you... Uh...
What ?
Can you uh... ( Whistle ) out
Through the Revolving Door there ?
Would you mind... ?
I'm just finishing My coffee... So--
Don't hit your fat ass On your way out, on the door.
I'm not listening, So just go ahead...
Dad, get out, now !
Why can't i be in The same room as you ?
I'm trying to get a little Privacy on the phone !
But we don't have any Secrets from each other--
If you wanted some privacy, I would leave the room !
There's nothing That you can't--
I don't want to have this Argument with you right now.
I'll have it With you later !
Right now i want to Talk on the phone.
Now is when I'm available.
This is costing Somebody money,
So why don't you Get out of the room !
Why don't you Treat your father With a little respect ?
Use the f( beep ) door !
Okay, but i don't See why i have to leave.
Cindy, hold on one sec 'Cause i just gotta...
Dad, get out !
Okay, i'm out !
This hurts my feelings, We'll have to deal With this later !
Fine, we'll Deal with it later !
Okay !
Dad !
What ?
Come back !
Why ?
I need your Credit card !
Hey, laura ?
Yeah ?
Do you have A boyfriend ?
None of your Business ?
Do you wanna Be my girlfriend ?
No.
Hey, laura... No.
Laura... No.
Lau...
No.
I'm a great boyfriend,
I would do everything for her, 'Cause i'm whipped !
I never complained When i got sent on errands !
That's how you know You're a boyfriend, dr. Katz,
When all you do is Get sent out to get stuff !
Well...
And you look forward to it,
'Cause you get to see other guys At the store, you know ?
Uh-huh.
I'm walking around, I'm like,
"Hey, stan !
"What are you Sent out for ?
"Let me see your note !
Oh, i need pads too, Let's walk together !"
And when you get Sent out to get something,
You'd better get exactly What you're sent out for,
Or you get sent Right the hell back !
To stand on line with The other reject boyfriends !
And they don't want to Talk to you,
Like the guy in front Of me, he's like,
"What are you here for ?"
"Uhhm, i bought a spanish onion And i needed a yellow onion."
And he's like, "What's the difference ?"
And i'm like, "That is not for us to ask !
I'm not even supposed to be Talking to you !"
Do you know that women Can only get pregnant
Two days out of Every month, dr. Katz ?
Only two days !
And only one day Is the main day.
The second day, they're already
Pulling down the gate And closing up.
And a real tricky sperm Can kinda be like,
"I just want to Talk to the egg.
"I'll be right out.
I just want to see if my Friend's in there !"
Some guys have sex With a plastic doll,
Is there a name For that, dr. Katz ?
No, not yet.
I would never have sex With a plastic doll.
I'd feel so Stupid, you know ?
All my friends Would be like,
"I'm really stupid, I locked my keys in the car..."
And i'd be like,
"That's nothing !
Last night, i had sex With a balloon."
Yeah.
And i know i would Get caught too, dr. Katz,
'Cause i'm always like, Leaving stuff out.
I know sooner or later, I'd come home with a girl,
She would be really hot, 'Cause i was on tv,
And we would walk in And she'd be like,
"Oh, my god, what The hell is that ?!"
And i'd be like, "oh my god, I left beverly out !"
The only way to get away With something like that
Would be to act like you think It's normal, just be like,
"That's just a Big plastic doll
"I have simulated sexual Intercourse with...
Hey, but enough about me !"
Well, hello, don't you look Lovely today, cindy.
Well, hi, ben, it's Cindy from tele-purchase--
I just said your name.
Uh-huh, i was calling Because i was wondering
If you're still interested In that socket wrench set ?
Ha, ha, ha !
You're funny, You must be...
We have a Limited supply,
And i wanted to make sure That all my priority customers
Had the opportunity To purchase one.
You really consider me-- That's sweet.
So then you are Still interested
In the 50-piece Socket wrench set ?
You're like a lioness !
Because--
Because today's the Last day it's available,
And i will even throw in A 100% teak magazine caddy
For absolutely No charge.
You know, that's Really not necessary.
I mean, Children are dying,
Because teak Is being made in europe,
So forget about the teak, But definitely the... Set.
Oh, good.
So i'm ready To purchase.
Well, that's why I'm here today.
I'm not afraid To purchase...
Well, can i help you with Anything else, today ?
You are spoiling me rotten, You know that, don't you ?
So, you were well-known In the neighborhood ?
My dad had a lot of Irish friends.
They're nice people,
They're kinda scary with The red faces and the red noses.
( In irish brogue ) Look at you !
I know Who you are !
You're Bobby pinette's kid !
Well, you're a chubby Little kid, aren't ya ?
Look at cha' !
I'm gonna give you a dollar, What are you gonna do with it ?
I know, don't even Bother to tell me !
You're gonna buy food, You know why ?
'Cause you're a chubby Little kid, ah, look at you !
Do something funny !
Do something, look at him Shaking his belly !
Clancy, come over here !
Have you met bobby pinette's Chubby little kid ?
Hmmm.
Last time i got Really, really drunk,
I went to An irish pub--
I mean, They make you drink !
You know what it is ?
They play that irish music, It makes you drink !
'Cause i walk in and I don't wanna drink !
They say, "What would you like ?"
"I'll have a ginger ale."
* Say come with your Uncle mike, me' boy *
* And there's Your sister kate *
I'll have a beer !
Wait a minute, I don't want a beer !
* There's donny, Michael and maggie *
"Whiskey, I want whiskey !"
I'll tell you the worst diet That i was ever on,
You know the one where you Only have 3 shakes a day ?
They say, "oh, after a week, You won't be hungry !"
Oh no !
After a week, I was hallucinating !
I was a goner on the couch, No chance of getting food !
I could've Went like that !
A girl scout Saved my life !
She came to the door With cookies !
And she had The cookies !
You know sometimes they Don't have the cookies now !
They have that order form !
Yeah, The paperwork.
I hate that thing !
What, now you're gonna Go bake the cookies ?!
You come to my house At 8:00 in the morning,
You bring cookies !
She had the cookies !
I saw those chocolate mints, I went, "ooohhhhh !
I think you're gonna win the Trip to washington this year !"
Have you seen "Free willy" ?
Uh, no.
Promise me, you won't see "Free willy ii"
Before you see "Free willy i."
You have my word.
I liked "Free willy i,"
But they had "free willy ii," "Free willy iii," "Free willy again,"
I mean... He Keeps on gettin' caught !
"I let you go once, i can't be Doing this all the time !
You're hard to sneak !"
You'd think He'd learn.
Yeah, absolutely.
You know that Real-life willy ?!
They built him a State-of-the-art tank In oregon !
And they had him In mexico city !
So they built him this tank, You know about this ?
No.
They built him the State-of-the-art tank In oregon,
Now they have to get him from Mexico city to oregon,
How do they do it ?
Uhhm...
They u.P.S.'D him !
That was my Next guess.
That guy had A bad route that day !
"Let's see what we have In the old truck...
Oh jesus !!"
I'd hate to carry him Up the walkway !
"Oh, god, I hope they're home.
"If they're not home i'm gonna Leave him in the screen door !
You wanna hit the doorbell with Your flipper there, shamu ?"
Ben-- and you know how much I'm anxious for him
To cultivate A relationship with a woman ?
Sure.
He is involved with the woman Who he met on the phone,
Who happens to be in the Telemarketing business.
He fell for a Salesperson On the phone ?!
It sounds crazy When you say it !
He doesn't know her !
He doesn't know her But he called her up...
Right...
And he misconstrued Her very playful tone...
Right.
Which... I'm sure is Part of her sales pitch...
Sure !
For, you know... For seduction !
He thought that she was Coming on to him,
When in fact she was coming on To him in "the sales way"...
Ohhh... And he Got flambozled...
And he bought it-- Hook, line, and sinker !
In fact, he bought A hook, line, and sinker !
Whoo !
Dad ?
Yes.
Hey !
Hey, ben, what's up ?
How are ya ?
I'm good, what Can i do for you ?
Just a quickie...
Uhh... I have some good news And some better news.
What's the good news ?
Well, the good news is... The visa's tapped out.
And what's The better news ?
Ohh... You have Other credit cards !
Well, first of all, The visa can't be tapped out,
Because i pay my bill--
I think this is More of a recent Development
Because, uhh... I just got denied.
Which by the way Is embarrassing.
Did they say why The card was denied ?
Uhhm, i just assumed it Was from excessive spending.
I haven't been spending Excessively, ben.
I know and i think That is a good thing,
So i spent a lot.
I don't like the turn This conversation has taken.
I didn't think you Were gonna love this one.
I just don't Understand why
You don't up Your credit limit.
Because i think a $5,000 credit limit is fine.
Dad, not anymore, That's not fine.
You're a Man of means.
I am a Man of means.
And i can turn, very quickly Into a mean man of means
If you're Not careful, ben !
First of all, Lower your voice To a whisper.
Okay... Why, Who's listening ?
I just Like it Better.
Okay, if you would like To have a card with a--
I can't hear you.
Ben, you're really Getting on my nerves !
I'm starting to Piss you off, aren't i ?
Yeah, a little bit.
I'm starting to get recognized On the street, dr. Katz !
From all my tv shows, like i was Walking on the street,
This girl came over to me, She's really hot,
She was wearing those nails With the designs on them...
And she came over to me And she's like,
"Hey, i saw you On letterman !"
And i'm like,
"Oh, my god, I'm gonna have sex !"
So, i'm like, "Really ?"
And she's like, "yeah" And then she's like,
"Can i ask you A question ?"
And i'm like, "yeah ?"
She's like, "Are you retarded ?"
Dr. Katz, i was actually Fired as a denny's dishwasher.
Geez, i'm sorry To hear that.
That's sad.
They don't fire anyone, they Didn't even know how to fire me,
They had never done it In the history of denny's.
They just sent me out To take out the garbage
And then locked The door behind me.
And i'm like,"let me in !"
And they're like, "Go to wendy's !"
It sucks being A small guy like this,
'Cause i can't Fight anyone, you know ?
Yeah.
My neighbor keeps His music very loud,
So i had to go upstairs And be like,
"Excuse me, can you Please lower the music ?"
And he's like, "Are you an idiot ?"
And "i'm like, Heh, heh, heh yeah."
And what i really Wanted to say is,
"How about i just knock Your teeth down your throat
You moron !"
But you know, My body can't back that up !
I've often thought about jumping Him when he turns around,
But then, he would just be like, "You want a piggyback ride ?"
Laura ?
Yeah ?
I have a favor To ask of you.
A favor ?
I need for you to get a company Called "tele-purchase inc."
On the phone for me
Okay...
Because i tell ya,
Sometimes you just need to Take the bull by the horns
And protect the ones You love, you know ?
Right, do you Have the number ?
No, that's the part I was hoping you could do.
Find the number, Get them on the phone--
Dr. Katz, if you had Picked up the phone
And done that while You explain that to me,
It would've Been done now !
That's true.
Laura !
Hi, ben.
Laura, how are ya ?
Fine.
You look busier Than a bee...
Hmmm.
Huh ?
Making honey, Ha, ha, ha, ahhh,
You're good at What you do, laura !
No question about that !
I tell you, i'm in a Particularly good mood today !
Great !
Did you notice ?
Uhhh...
Do you wanna know Why i'm in a good mood
Or you just wanna--
Do your typical ignoring me Thing, which is getting old.
Umm, how about Just one more time.
So, cindy, this is What's on my mind...
Yeah.
This has more to do not so much With the quality of the--
My point is, my son, Ben, who is 25-years-old,
Still very much a child--
Oh, i can't take credit For all of that,
But thank you for saying that, That's very sweet.
Yeah ?
That's totally unnecessary For you to say that, but umm...
No, i haven't Heard that before.
We've spoken uh... A bunch of times, and...
I've bought Stuff from her,
Which i think Is a good thing...
And, she's great, and She likes me, and i like her...
More... Than she likes me...
But that's gonna change, Everything's gonna work out !
Hmmm.
We are at that weird point In any relationship,
When we don't know much About each other, yet.
So everything is Fascinating, mysterious...
Well, that's great, ben ! I'm very happy for you !
¿ es mi padre in ?
si .
Well then, adios !
I hope you find Happiness, laura !
( Sigh )
No, that sounds uh...
No, i don't think anyone's Gonna beat that price !
So, listen !
I have your number and you know How to get in touch with me,
And we'll pick this up--
Uh, dad ?
Okay, so we'll reschedule, Thanks very much !
Hey, ben !
Dad ! Yes !
Who were you on The phone with ?
I was on... Somebody was Just cancelling and then
I just rescheduled Them, uh... Cindy.
From tele-purchase inc.
Oh, really, you were Talking to cindy.
I want you to know that even Though it doesn't look good--
You're talking to, Cindy from uh... Tele-purchase ?!
Right.
Dad, what are You doing ?!
Uhhh...
Good answer.
Even though it doesn't look Good, i just want you to know--
That it doesn't Look... Great !
Why would you Get involved ?
Well...
Don't you think that's Humiliating to me ?
I can think of 1800 reasons why, ben.
Well alright, so i Spent $1,800, total.
Uh-huh.
As your father, i was a Little concerned that
She was perhaps taking Advantage of you.
I'm not in my early 20s Anymore, you know ?
Uh-huh.
I am an adult.
And i can Handle myself,
I can fight My own battles.
Right.
I can do my Own laundry.
Well...
And if i want to make Telemarketing purchases Over the phone,
I don't need my father To butt in, alright ?
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go to the arcade !
Okay !
Don't forget your Stack of quarters !
Alright, see you At home for dinner.
So, anyway, i'm apologizing Because i don't think--
That's fine.
It was appropriate for me to Flirt with her the way i did,
Especially in front Of my son--
I wish i had known You were there.
So, your line at this point is, "Apology accepted."
Oh, oh, you're Giving that to me !
I'm hoping that you would find It in your heart to forgive me.
Because i behaved in a Really reprehensible way,
And i think i need To be reprehended.
You know, dad, i... Do accept your apology...
None taken.
Yeah, i gotta be Honest with you, dad.
Uh-huh.
Let's put it This way,
I think you and me both Know women pretty well...
Uh-huh.
And uh... You and cindy Had a thing...
* Doo-dah, Doo-dah *
But, you were not in the Tele-purchase gold club, i was !
And cindy arranged That for me,
Which means, i'm better And cindy liked me more.
So, now what ?
Well, you know how it went down With me and cindy, dad ?
No, i don't.
It did go down.
Yeah ?
I talked to her This afternoon.
After you Talked to her.
I said right off the bat
That i wasn't interested In any more products.
Why did you Tell her that, ben ?
I don't quite Get that.
Because it was sort of a Test of our relationship.
And how did she do ?
It wasn't one of Those kind of tests.
Uh-huh.
It was more like A double-blind test.
Well, it wasn't A double-blind test...
Like a round-robin Tournament ?
Well, it wasn't Like a test.
Ben, what are we Talking about ?
I have no idea.
You know, i have a Friend from scotland...
Yeah.
The scottish dialect's Hard to pick up.
I mean, he has a Couple of drinks in him,
We didn't know What he's saying !
We just agree with him !
"So where do we Wanna go now ?"
( Scottish accented gibberish )
"Okay, we'll follow you !"
I have a couple of cocktails, I know what he's saying again !
( Scottish accent ) "You got'a do'it right'a'way, Or you're gonna get in trouble."
( Imitating scottish accent ) "Aye ya'right and you're a Cheeky monkey for sayin' so !"
What did i say ?
Have you been out For indian food ?
Yeah, i enjoy Indian food !
Ohh, little spicy !
Well...
I mean, spicy is A relative term !
Spicy can mean, "oh geez, I burnt my tongue a little bit."
Indian food's more like, "Aaaaaaaaaagghhh !"
Now you figure though, gandhi, Went on that hunger strike !
Right.
But he did it In india !
Now, the food Isn't that great there !
Could he have gone on a hunger Strike if he was in italy ?!
Probably.
It would've been harder !
Oh, i see What you're saying !
( As ghandi ) I will fast until all muslims And hindus are at peace,
If necessary, I will die in this cause--
Is that eggplant I am smelling ?
Oh, and pasta fagioli, Yes, i'd love some !
Do you like Italian food ?
Love it !
Oooh !!
I have this little Italian place i go to !
I spoke a little italian,
Their waiter, just from italy, What a nice guy !
I knew a little italian and He thought that was so nice !
What do you know How to say in italian ?
I know how to say, "Feed me, i'm hungry !"
I said, "Luigi, sono a fomado."
He got such a Kick out of it !
"sono a fomado !
"Look at you, sono a fomado.
"Hold on one minute, Giuseppe !!
"Come in here !
What you say to me, Say it to giuseppe, go ahead !"
"sono a fomado."
"sono a fomado, Look at you !"
Now i think, i might be In a little trouble here,
I mean, they're Dancing around...
* sono a fomado *
And no matter How much you eat...
"Hey, what's the matter, You don't like ?"
"I don't like ?!! I had 14 plates !
That's 'like' !!"
...'Cause i don't Wanna go to jail,
Have you ever been In jail, dr. Katz ?
I... I spent one night In jail during the '60s.
Oh, my god, really ?
Yup.
Were you scared ?
A little bit.
Did you meet Anyone special ?
No, i did not.
'Cause that's what i've heard Goes on in prison, dr. Katz,
I've heard that The other cellmates--
'Cause they have Nothing to do--
'Cause they just play Shuffleboard all day.
So they come into your cell And they're like,
"Hi, welcome to prison !
We're gonna have Sex with you now !"
And you can't be like,
"Oh, no thanks, I'm just gonna read !"
Uh-huh.
'Cause they're like, "Well, you can read,
But we're still gonna Have sex with you."
I don't wanna just be famous, I wanna be rich,
I wanna be like, Super-rich
So i can buy Anything i want.
Like if i'm walking on the Street, and i see a dog i like,
I can be like, "I wanna buy your dog !"
And the guy would be like, "My dog's not for sale !"
And then i'd Take out $100,000
And be like... "I think i'll call him harry !"
And he'll be like, "Go to your new master, harry !"
( Music ) Oop, you know what The music means.
We're gonna have to Stop now, mitch.
Not today, Let's go longer.
I'm sorry, Our time is up.
I hate you.